Step Two: Working Together with you as a Couple:
By this point, we have completed the individual assessment meetings which also include an evaluation of 13 critical areas in any couple's life. We review the areas that are working well and I ask each person to talk a little about why they are satisfied with an area and what it is about their partner's attitude and behaviour that makes it work.
It is very important to fully acknowledge the successful areas of your marriage. After this has been completed we take a look at the areas with low satisfaction/happiness ratings. Couples are asked to select an area for homework and to reflect on the specific complaints they have and most importantly specific requests for change. I encourage you to E-mail your homework to me so I can review your requests and give you some feedback before the session.
Step Three:
Working with the Homework Assignments in our Sessions
In the session, I will present your concern and your request for change. We discuss your request with your partner to determine how they feel about the request and how easy or difficult it would be to fulfill the request. Where there is difficulty, we work to understand it and I frequently suggest a separate session to see if we can work it through. The " 13 areas" provide a structure and a process which typically leads
to important sharing, disclosure and discussion. Potential barriers are identified and often feelings that have not been expressed.....emerge.
Step Four:
Once we work out an " agreement" for a request for change we start to meet less frequently. What we are interested in is the ability to actually make the improvement and most importantly, maintain it. At this stage of the couple work we may meet twice a month to address and work out any problems or obstacles that emerge. Old habits and attitudes are hard to break. Patience and encouragement are essential.
AFFAIRS
In my practice I observe primarily two types of affairs.
The first type is not intended or pre-meditated. Oten it occurs at work with an associate or client that you like and have a good rapport with. It often occurs during
a period in a relationship where a couple has become quite emotionally disconnected. Friendly chats turn into lunches and often highly personal information is shared over time which can create a strong bond. What starts to happen is that the emotional bond and connection can become quite powerful. This often results in a desire to spend more time with the indvidual. If the feeling is mutual lunches turn into dinners and eventually more. Some indviduals may have the emotional strength to see what is happening at " the lunch" stage and abruptly discontinue the relationship.
Others who may have felt neglected or unimportant for a long time may be so needy for attention and connection that they become drawn in and cannot find the internal resources to stop what is happening.
Communication Problems: Listening, Understanding, Respect and Fair-Play
Couple Strengths and Personal Development Needs: Couple Analysis Report
Addressing Affection, Emotional and Physical Intimacy Needs and Conflicts
Infidelity: Understanding the Full Impact & and the Gradual Steps to Recovery
Separation Counseling and Support: Coping with feelings of grief, failure, loss, family members
iIn summary, some of the most common challenges include feelings of emotional neglect and of
appreciation, boredom, infrequent or no sex, increased arguing, money conflicts, infidelity, broken
trust and the most devastating statement a partner can hear: I don`t think I`m in love with you. We know that arguing with this statement rarely leads to change. However fully understanding the history of your spouse`s unhappiness and facing it can be the beginning of recovery and...hope.
Your spouse` announcement of unhappiness is serious but doesn't` have to be the end of your
relationship. It is however a wake up call to you. It means that you have to take positive action
if you don` want your partner to walk out the door. Even if your partner is currently living separately
from you in some instances it is still possible to restore the connection, reduce conflict and
reactivate your emotional and sexual life as a couple.
WORKING TOGETHER
Step One:
Assessment:
It is important for me to meet with each partner at least one or two times before
we start working as a couple. This encourages openess and honesty and allows
me to understands your feelings, concerns and...hopes. To get to know you
better, I often ask couples to complete 1 or more asessment tools. This can allow
me to know your personality strengths and also parts of your personality that may
get in the way of accomplishing your goals as a couple.
The second type of affair that I observe is more pre-meditated. The indvidual may be generally content in the marriage, but sturggling with a gnawing sense of routine and monotony. Instead of directly addressing this with the partner increased excitement is sought outside of the relationship/marriage. Sometimes " its just sex" but even a relationship that starts this way can sometimes turn into something more.
" BUT I DIDN'T SLEEP WITH HIM/HER
Many people believe that if there is no sex that there was no affair. This is not how your partner will see it. You have to spend a considerable amount of time for emotional intimacy to develop which usually involves lying about your whereabouts or witholding pertinent information. If the emotional intimacy and bond starts to feel stronger than what it is with your partner, your are likely having an affair, an emotional affair. A physical affair is a predictable consequence.
" CAN OUR MARRIAGE RECOVER AND THRIVE AFTER THIS AFFAIR'"?
I have seen many couples recover and develop a stronger, happier, partnership/marriage.
It takes time to recover from the betrayal and to understand what challenges a couple has to address in their marriage.
